November 14th: Chayei Sarah
THIS WEEK IN THE TORAH
Rabbi David E. Ostrich
In this week’s Torah portion, we seem to have a lesson in parental overreach. After Sarah’s death, Abraham decides that Isaac needs a wife—and that someone other than Isaac should do the choosing. He sets his head servant on the task and gives these instructions:
(1) “Do not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I dwell.”
(2) “Go to the land of my birth and get a wife for my son Isaac.”
(3) “On no account must you take my son back there!” (Genesis 24.3-6)
The abnormality of such a situation begs for explanation. Some suggest that this strange course of action is just the way things were done back then: children did not choose their own spouses. Others wonder if there is perhaps a problem with Isaac. Could he be unduly susceptible to “bad” influences? If he falls in love with a local woman, she and her polytheistic and idolatrous family may lure Isaac away from God’s path. If Isaac travels back to the “Old Country” (Mesopotamia), he may be lured into staying there and abandoning the fate God has set for the family. Better to take care of things for him and bring him an appropriate wife.
Another theory wonders if the trauma of almost being sacrificed by his father has left Isaac emotionally or socially disabled—that he may not be able to court and marry without assistance. If this is the case, it would mean that the family needs a wife who can take charge and guide Isaac and the growing tribe/religion. Or could he suffer from another disability? Though we hear about visual problems in his old age—“When Isaac was old and his eyes were too dim to see” (Genesis 27.1), some wonder whether they could have originated earlier. The Midrash speculates that, as he lies bound on the altar on Mount Moriah, the angels in heaven cry at the thought of Abraham sacrificing his son. Their tears fall into Isaac’s eyes, and his vision is permanently damaged. The point of all these possibilities is that Isaac is perhaps unable to travel on his own to find a wife.
This notion of Isaac being weak and Rebekah being strong is one way of understanding their disagreement over which son, Esau or Jacob, should be the third Patriarch—a conflict which Rebekah “wins.” While the story speaks of Rebekah’s trickery, we should not forget that God sides with her by blessing Jacob and making him the Patriarch. My point is that Rebekah may be the more insightful leader in our ancient family. Even though men might be “in charge,” human nature suggests that, regardless of the official social practices, women nonetheless exercise leadership and influence. As Lainie Kazan explains in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, “The man is the head, but the woman is the neck—and she can turn the head any way she wants.”
One more clue about Rebekah’s spiritual power. When she has difficulty conceiving, Isaac prays for her. (Genesis 25.19-23) However, when the pregnancy is difficult—“the children struggled in her womb,” she herself goes to inquire of the Lord, and she herself gets a direct answer. No mere passive part of the story, Rebekah may be the spiritual leader of the family, and her “selection” into the family may be more than just social convention.
Now let us look at Rebekah’s family. At first glance, Laban seems impressed with Abraham’s comparative wealth. Perhaps that is why he and Bethuel are so willing to send their sister/daughter off with Abraham’s emissary. However, notice the awareness of God’s Presence in both the interactions and the thinking.
(1) Abraham’s servant speaks of God’s involvement when he recounts how Rebekah’s help at the village well provides the sign he has asked of the Lord: “I bowed low in homage to the Lord and blessed the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who led me on the right way to get the daughter of my master’s brother for his son.” (Genesis 24.48)
(2) Laban and Bethuel speak of complying with God’s will: “Here is Rebekah before you; take her and go, and let her be a wife to your master’s son, as the Lord has spoken.” (Genesis 24.51)
(3) The Midrash speculates that Rebekah is only three years old—which would mean that her actions indicate an unusual giftedness and awareness. Watering the flocks, offering hospitality to Abraham’s servant, and agreeing to participate in God’s plan all indicate that she is fated for spiritual distinction and leadership. Thus, when Laban and Bethuel “call the girl and ask for her reply…‘Will you go with this man?’ And she said, ‘I will’” (Genesis 24.57-58), she seems ready, willing, and able to be God’s servant in our people’s unfolding narrative.
In other words, what may first appear a case of Abraham’s over-functioning may in reality be a matter of God’s Hand at work in human affairs.
A similar hidden dynamic may be a play in another example of questionable parenting. In Parshat Vayeshev, Jacob’s family experiences a number of crises, one of which begins when he favors Joseph over the other sons.
“When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of his brothers, they hated him so that they could not speak a friendly word to him.” (Genesis 37.4)
Things get worse when Joseph has dreams of grandeur—and brags about them to his family.
“The brothers hated him even more for his dreams and for talking about them.”
Yes, “they were wrought up at him,” but Jacob seems to do nothing: “Israel kept the matter in mind.” Whereas Abraham seems to over-function, Jacob seems to be frozen and almost a non-presence. Should he not be in charge? Is he not the Patriarch?
We should never discount the possibility of inadequate parenting. Even the best of us makes mistakes. However, there is another possibility: Jacob could be having a prophetic moment—could be beginning to sense God’s Influence in the family dynamic. “Israel kept the matter in mind” could indicate a growing awareness that this is all part of God’s plan: that the hostility will induce the brothers to sell Joseph into Egyptian slavery so that Joseph can eventually be in a position to have power in Egypt and save his family from the future famine. Far-fetched? Perhaps, but consider what Joseph himself says to his brothers, many years later and after the “plan” is fulfilled:
“Though you intended me harm, God intended it for good, so as to bring about the present result—the survival of many people.” (Genesis 50.20)
One of the lessons of religion is that we may not be the only ones acting in our lives. While Judaism teaches us to be responsible for our actions, we are also reminded that God’s Presence could be at work—that we could be part of the Divine Plan.